I think I might have some sort of aversion to disciplined writing. I get really into it for a week or two and then go off it for a week or two. Perhaps I'm just basically unformed or unmolded. I've never been one to follow a discipline of any kind. I also suffer from a knee-jerk rejection of anything that could possibly become a "routine."

I suppose when I was twenty-one, I could have blamed it on the fact that I was never expected to do much by my parents (other than get good grades in school). No one at my house ever made the bed; there was no dirty clothes hamper in the laundry room, just an indiscriminate pile; and I can't remember ever really having much of a set list of chores.

I have to wonder, however, what I can use as an excuse now. Surely, I'm the master of my own destiny, right? I'm in my 30s, I'm married, and I have a mortgage payment. I know that I have to take the responsibility to make my dreams happen.

On a positive note, I have finally gotten around to participating in some writing workshops, and I actually joined the Knoxville Writer's Guild this summer. That's a start. At least, instead of talking about doing those things, I've actually done them. Now if I can only focus my writing practice and not go in fits and starts.

I know that it seems I'm shirking my self-imposed tasks regarding my writing and updating this blog. Indeed, I have not even set a demonstrable daily task for myself. In fact, I'm working on developing an ESL tutors' manual for my wife's employer, an agency that helps refugees settle into life in the US (and, specifically, Knoxville, Tennessee). My wife coordinates the ESL (English as a Second Language) program for them, and the main duty she carries out is to match tutors with clients of the agency.

Currently, I'm reading through a manual produced by an agency in Washington state. It's fairly well-written, but it is very long and probably very intimidating to the average volunteer tutor. I'm developing a list of questions now that I think will be essential to producing a useful book. Once I've finalized them, I'll post them here (hopefully, tomorrow).

I can't help but think that my possibly moving into commercial writing constitutes a betrayal of my principles. How can I fight against corporations and capitalism if they're paying me hefty sums to write their latest brochure or copy for their websites? Perhaps I can concentrate on work for non-profits, community groups, co-ops, progressive organizations, etc. That way I could (just barely) pay the bills and hone my craft until I can do what I really want, i.e. make a living as a fiction writer and essayist. Pickings in the Knoxville area are mighty slim, however, when it comes to those kinds of organizations.

Perhaps I'm being too finicky. I mean, I have to eat, don't I? And, unfortunately, corporate capitalism is what we have to live with on a daily basis, as much as I hate to admit it. At what point do you cross over from providing for your (and your family's) security to being an outright corporate team player, whose interest in seeing the end of the system wanes with each successive paycheck? Can I afford to stick to my principles? In that case, can anyone? If anyone is out there, I need advice.

Peace.

P.S. I can't help but be reminded of Ben Franklin's famous saying, which goes something like "he who would give up a little freedom for security deserves neither freedom nor security." I'm obviously quoting from memory here.

There are a lot of folks out there that just don't get it - they don't get the fact that what we do on this planet matters, that there isn't an "easy" button to clean up all the crud and junk we've dumped on this earth. Sometimes I feel as though I'm living in some sort of time bubble, in which all the people around me continue to believe that industry can expand forever, that capitalism can be a "sustainable" enterprise, that the fate of other species is in no way connected to our own. I can't help but hear Happy Days music playing all around them. The world is innocent, or should I say oblivious, to reality. We're all living in an eternal sunshine of the clueless mind.

How do we get people to understand? I'm at a loss. Here's a good article for those of you who suspect that our lives are not played out on a sound stage or in a time bubble.

I'm back from my trip to Asheville, rested and quite pleased. I'm trying to decide what my task will be for this week. I'm well awared that I've never actually completed my Friday poem. I do intend to finish it, but I haven't the time just yet.

I need to comment a bit further on the results of yesterday's assignment for myself. The poem that I eventually committed to screen was a third draft. Actually, it was an amalgamation of several bits that stood out a little from the rest of the garbage I tried. The poem is, obviously, not very polished, and I'll say that it's nowhere near my best. Having said that, I think it had a germ of a decent idea in it.

What pleases me about it was that I stayed with the assignment and "plodded" through it, the very advice I recently read from Karyn Langhorne in the latest issue of Personal Writing. She argues: "The nature of plodding is to meet the goal - whether you have inspiration or not." (p.43) That's exactly what I felt like, i.e. lacking inspiration but sticking with the task at hand.

Sometimes writing is very much like physical exercise: you may not exercise at the same level of intensity or achieve all you set out to do everyday, but, if you persist, you will get stronger and healthier. That's what I hope to do here.

Another pleasing aspect of these tasks is that I already feel more alive, more in touch with my inner self. I used to write on a regular basis. Indeed, when I lived in Istanbul, I wrote everyday and became engrossed in the process. Unfortunately, living the so-called "grown-up" life of a 9-to-5 job has sucked out a lot of my joy in life (but that's another topic for another day) and has dried up my drive to stay with the writing life through its peaks and valleys. In short, I'm feeling more at peace with myself, even if I'm not entirely happy with the piece that I composed yesterday.

I will be going to Asheville, NC for the weekend. It's a place that my wife and I hold sacred, as it is the place in which she proposed to me. I feel a deep connection with the place, despite never having lived there. I'm also happy because it gives me a chance to check out Malaprop's, one of my all-time favorite bookstores. Who wouldn't love that?

I've drawn my card for the day: "Child of Poetry." The inscription on this card is "I found them blind; I taught them how to see." I'll continue to meditate on its relevance to my undertaking and post here later today.

Peace to anyone out there reading.

Division

I am in exile
from my real self,
waiting for a coup
that never comes.

I plot against myself
without restraint.
I cannot bear my benign
tyranny.

Unsure of my syntax,
bedevilled by what
I lack,
I never start to live.

Under a barnacled boat
on the sand of a forgotten harbor
I jot my plans
on damp sand.

Commentary: Strangely enough, the tarot card that I drew was "Five of Science (Division)," which counsels the reader to "Divide the problem into smaller segments for greater freedom of action." Perhaps there is something more to this tarot thing. Or...maybe it's just a coincidence; in fact, it probably is. Whatever the case, I feel like I've made a start, taking one small bite of the elephant today. Hopefully, the bites can only get better and more substantive.

I've returned after a not-so-brief hiatus. Will it last? I hope. I think what has kept me from pursuing my writing has been the uneasy feeling that the project is too big. Indeed, building up a writing career and mastering the craft of writing seem like such impossibly vast tasks that I shudder when I think of it sometimes. Still it's what I want to do, and so, in the interests of eating this magnificent elephant, I am going to embark on self-imposed exercises, posting the resulting written work and my reactions to how they worked. Hopefully, in the course of doing this, I will be able to eat the elephant one bite at a time and attract a modest group of friends and readers who can help me (and whom I can help) on this path.

For the remainder of the week, therefore, I will be drawing a tarot card from the William Blake Tarot deck (actually, I'll be using the Facade.com free tarot reading section). My question will be "What creative energy should be my focus for the day?". The purpose of the card for me will not be fortune telling. In fact, I don't really believe that that was the real purpose of tarot cards from the beginning. To me, they are really a collection of symbols designed to "kickstart" one's own exploration of his/her inner life.

Once I've drawn the card, I will spend some time ruminating on it's relevance to my writing life. Once I've done that, I will compose a short poem and post it with commentary.

Here's an article with some good news for a change.

I've been too busy even to think about this journal lately. I'm too busy now, to be honest, but I want to get back into the habit.

Here's an interesting tidbit. It looks like the elite circles in the U.S. still want to pin the "insurgency" in Iraq to Saddam Hussein. Here's the quote: "Asked if the meetings raised the possibility that the lawyers could act as couriers for messages from Mr. Hussein and the other detainees to the armed groups that have spread a wide insurgency across Iraq, the expert said it could not be ruled out." The whole article can be found here.

Are we really supposed to believe that the armed resistance in Iraq relies on Hussein giving instructions to it. Please...I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago.

I've been a bit swamped lately with work stuff, and I've been doing a lot of things around the house (preparing my house for winter, etc. - it's dropped off cold here in Tennessee lately).

I've heard through the East Tennessee Vegetarian Society that there might be a new vegetarian restaurant for Knoxville in the early development stages. If so, I can't wait. I've got a lot to comment on, but no time to do it. Alas!

I've just been reading yet another impassioned article by the great Uruguayan journalist, Eduardo Galeano. If you don't know his work, I suggest you familiarize yourself, particularly with *Open Veins of Latin America* and *Memory of Fire*.

Here's a taste of the article I just read: "Wouldn't it be worthwhile for other countries to put the issue of water to a popular vote? In a democracy, a true democracy, who should decide? The World Bank, or the citizens of each country? Do democratic rights exist for real, or are they just the icing on a poisoned cake? In 1992, Uruguay was the only country in the world to put the privatization of public companies to a popular vote: 72 percent opposed. Wouldn't it be democratic to do the same in every country?"

Once again, a brief hiatus. I've been wrapped up in some computer systems work at my job, so I haven't had time to devote to this weblog. I have to get a new system on-line by Jan. 1. It shouldn't be too hard now that I've finally convinced them to leave me be in the afternoons so I can devote a lot more time to it.

I've really gotten into green tea. I drink at least 4-5 cups a day. It's keeping me sane and alert, which is a good thing. I'm especially partial to genmai cha (green tea with brown rice) and Numi's "Temple of Heaven Gunpowder Green Tea". Marvelous.

Here's another example of how Tony Blair sullies the very idea of a "labour" party. Does anyone out there think that the old alliance system is a good idea?

Read this piece by historian Gabriel Kolko for a more extended take on this topic and how it relates to the U.S. elections.

I have to admit that it is hard to stay positive when you read a story like this one in the Independent.

I feel hollowed out when I see this going on. When will we really become "civilized?"

I've always been a fan of Howard Zinn. Here's an inspiring essay along the same lines I was just writing about.

I know that Bush is terrible, and I know that many people are dismayed that he has remained in office, but I don't want to wallow in misery over this turn of events. In fact, I fully expected that, whoever won the election, the same problems would still be there. I don't shed a tear for Kerry who was just a less awful neo-con, but I do worry about those who will be adversely effected by the brazen imperialism of the "crazies" in Bushworld. We have to have the resolve and positivity to offer real alternatives and hope to ourselves and to all others that we can.

I'm back after the weekend and a dreadful Monday. I've had the theme of positivity on my mind lately, and, although I don't have the time at present, I have some comments on the subject and its relation to vision/strategy for making a better world possible.

Briefly, it seems to me that the left has mostly defined itself in recent years by what it is against - war, environmental destruction, curtailing of civil liberties, imperialism, capitalism, etc. I'm not saying that leftists shouldn't be against all of those things. We certainly should continue to oppose them. What I'm saying is that we haven't done a particularly compelling job explaining to people what we are actually FOR. Perhaps we could start to build a vision of the kind of world we want to live in. The vision doesn't have to be etched in stone; indeed, it must be flexible and democratic.

Just my two-cents worth at the moment. Peace.

I just updated my Mozilla Firefox browser to the official 1.0 release. I had been using 0.9. It seems to render pages even faster than the pre-release versions. If you like to surf the web, but you hate Microsoft IE, I recommend Firefox. It's got tabbed browsing, an intuitive interface, a built-in search bar that lets you choose from Google, Yahoo!, Amazon, Ebay, and others. It's also possible to customize it in so many ways. Best of all...it's free and Microsoft didn't make it!!

I've been furiously updating the links on this page. These are some great sites, and I recommend all of them. I'll be changing and adding to this list frequently.